There are no coincidences, just clues. So when (let’s call him) “Luke” texted me asking if he’d done anything to upset me, I knew he was my leak. 

I fancy myself a journalist of the people. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to share stories that might make someone rethink a decision. “Maybe getting murdered by a random dude on Facebook or losing all my money to a catfish isn’t for me,” I hope people say. 

The thing is, conducting any sort of investigation involves gossip. No one in this profession, not even the pros, are immune to it. Everything is hearsay and every piece of information has an asterisk attached. *you didn’t hear this from me.

That’s why witnesses are so apprehensive to come forward with info on a crime—they can’t be guaranteed that the cops won’t sell them out and reveal their source. 

Unfortunately for me, mine did. On top of that, it was a man. The man I referred to as my work brother. 

You can’t turn a source into a boy-friend

When I first met the man I formerly referred to as my work brother, Luke, I thought he was extremely facetious. His compliments were hollow, like he was programmed to say them. Also, he wore weird pants. I didn’t trust him. 

Over the years, we somehow became friends, which was fitting because he treated me the way my ex-boyfriend did: with contempt. When his compliments turned to “joke” insults, we became besties. But that’s only partially what kept us talking. 

He also had good tea. 

Luke always had the tea. He had a way with the ladies, with his charming insults and all. All of us fell for it because we’ve obviously learned nothing from that one ex. You know the one. 

Anyway, like any shitty ex, he turned on me. The other day, he gave me up to Tanya. Yes, Tanya. I was talking shit about the guy who broke up with her 5 times before “she dumped him.” It wasn’t even gossip, I was complaining about her constantly talking about the guy and his real girlfriend.

Well, Luke went back and told her.

One day, I walked into the office and Tanya. Was. Pissed. She didn’t talk to me for two days. It was actually refreshing but the thing with Tanya is she won’t say anything about it to clear the air. And if you ask her what’s wrong, she just says “nothing” with her lips pursed and walks away. 

If you’re the person she’s actually not mad at, she tells you. Which is how I found out I was the cause of her face, according to my source.

I cut off Luke immediately. Not because he told Tanya I was talking shit, but because it was too “ex-boyfriend” behavior. You don’t start shit between your sources. I have to draw the line somewhere. 

He’s since tried to make amends by sending Tanya and I a really fucking stupid reel, but it didn’t work. At least not on my end. Nothing says guilt like starting a group DM and trying to use a funny video to bring everyone together. If only wars were that simple. 

He’s called me a few times since but whatever tea he gets isn’t worth the PTSD. My stories are for entertainment purposes only, like the Psychic Network or OnlyFans. 

And I’m not trying to relive my high school days in my thirties. 

Plus, these women don’t even throw hands, they just tell you they’re going to pray for you. At least when I used to get threatened with an ass beating, the cholas were considerate enough to mean it. 

How to lose a frenemy

Tanya’s anger at me didn’t last long. A few days later, she was me. The only difference being I wasn’t feuding with the person I was talking shit about (at least not at the time). 

Tanya has a frenemy named Lisa. Their relationship has always been turbulent. Sometimes they like each other (when they’re talking to each other in public). Sometimes they don’t (when they’re talking to literally anyone else). 

One day, a woman we’ll call “Shelly” was complaining about her son’s girlfriend. They were getting too close and, in this town, that meant there was a problem with the girlfriend. Tanya agreed because that’s how you make friends here. 

And, she had intel.

“Well I happen to know that she’s not the good girl her mom makes her out to be,” followed by a really ridiculous story that qualified her belief. The girl she was talking about was a teen. And the mom of this teen was none other than Lisa. 

Shelly would go on to deliver this intel to her son, encouraging her son to break up with her because, again, this town. She wasn’t good enough for him, and he agreed, so that was that. 

Shelly was happy. And Tanya patted herself on the back. She’d gotten Shelly’s stamp of approval, and that’s what this was really about. She was breaking up high school couples for validation. 

But I was the asshole.

Tanya’s gratification would be short-lived, though. Lisa found out who was talking shit and addressed it with what Tanya referred to as a “scathing text.” 

The text ended with “I’m sorry you’re such an unhappy person; I’m going to pray for you.” 

In a town full of evangelists, somehow, THAT is the worst thing that can be said to you.

The Humbling

“Don’t tell me you’re going to pray for me!” That prayer shout out fucked Tanya up so bad, she forgot about my shit talking and called me to tell me about it. 

Also, what a great shirt that would make.

“I said what I knew about her daughter but I also humbled myself and told Shelly the mistake I made with my son,” Tanya explained. I don’t think Shelly mentioned the humbling part to Lisa, though. 

After this, Tanya vowed to keep her mouth shut. She was done helping people.

You know, if, just once, she’d experienced having a gangster girl called “La Sad Eyes” threaten to kick her ass via a handwritten message on the bathroom wall, maybe she wouldn’t be so dramatic.

Of course, her vow didn’t last. Neither did mine.  

By the end of the week, Tanya was back to trusting Shelly, primarily because Shelly had a guy she wanted Tanya to meet. I get it. If Tanya wants to get off Facebook dating marketplace (there is no difference between the two), she’s gotta play nice.

Luke continued to tell everyone’s business. 

And I went back to answering Luke’s calls because how else am I supposed to tell you if Tanya met Shelly’s guy friend?